a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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