No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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