i wish my penis had a tongue
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
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