after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
