I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
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