I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
