i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
