pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
