you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
