my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
