I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
