I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
