So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
