That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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