Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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