I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
