things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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