i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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