I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
