dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
