Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
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