Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
porn star boner night. come get it.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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