her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
