So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Randomize
