but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
