I haven't been this sober since birth.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Randomize
