You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
