I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Randomize
