Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Randomize
