I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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