I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
3pm strippers are depressing
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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