so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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