he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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