Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
