All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
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