i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
