The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
