totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
