Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
