Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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