I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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