I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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