I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Randomize
