I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
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she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
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my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
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