On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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