Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
