I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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