could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
