Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
