if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Randomize
