so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
