just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
